Welcome

Welcome to Barnabas Notes. The title of this site comes from the Biblical character of that name who was a companion of the apostle Paul on his first missionary journey and whose name was actually Joseph. He was called "Barnabas," which means "son of encouragement," because of his ability to bless the lives of others. We hope that this blog will be such a blessing in your life!

A peaceful spring on the Macedonian side of Lake Ochrid in the Balkan Mountains

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

How to Win Every Argument

I am happy to say that I do not know anyone who enjoys arguing with a loved one. I mean a really serious argument; one that hits right down in your gut. I know lots of people who like to argue politics and I know a few who like to argue about religion. I imagine there are some who are so argumentative that they even enjoy those really distasteful and troubling kinds of arguments with those closest to them. If you are one of those who enjoy that kind of thing, please pardon me while the rest of us talk about how to deal with such an unpleasant part of our lives.

Arguments are, by definition, opposing points of view. And those who hold different views think those views are correct. Again, I do not know a single person who believes that what he believes is incorrect. No one reasons thus: "I believe the sun comes up in the West every morning because, while I know it really comes up in the East, the point of view that it comes up in the West seems so lonely that I wanted to give it my support." It is also true that sometimes our opinions and beliefs and points of view conflict and if we are not careful, and if the subject is important enough in our minds, an argument can be the result.

One of the things all human beings learn to do from the very beginning is to prioritize. Sometimes we learn that from instruction. For example, the Bible tells us what is important in life and how we may live a life pleasing to God (2 Peter 1:3; 2 Timothy 3:16, 17) and that there are priorities we should observe (Matthew 23:23). We also learn to prioritize when it comes to whose needs will be met first. A newborn has himself as his priority and that is the way God designed him. We have to learn to put others first and again, the Bible helps us with that (Philippians 2:3).

In the heat of an argument, this is a hard lesson to remember, however. Just how can we win every argument? Perhaps Jesus' example can give us an answer. Would we consider that Jesus won or lost His "contest" or "argument" with Satan? Of course, He won! But He didn't fight back, did He? He did resist temptation in the wilderness by using Scripture (Matthew 4:1-11), but when it came to the cross, He offered no resistence. He let Satan "win" (from Satan's point of view) allowing him to "bruise" His heel (Genesis 3:15) and in so doing, won the greatest victory, "bruising" the head of Satan. You see, Jesus' had as His priority, not the appearance of winning the argument, but the accomplishment of His mission - to seek and save that which was lost (Luke 19:10).

How does that apply to my winning an argument with my friend? Well, what is my priority? Is it winning the argument? Is it not appearing weak and incapable of holding my own in an argument; must I defend myself whenever I feel attacked? Or is my priority maintaining my relationship with my friend? When that relationship (or my friend) is my priority, the argument does not matter as much. Now, instead of doing anything to win the argument, I will do anything to maintain the relationship. And it matters not whose point of view is correct on this issue or that. When I humble myself in the way Scripture commands, I win every single argument, whether human witnesses agree or not!

I know this sounds overly simplistic, but do not make the mistake of thinking that this is a simple solution. It is not! It is very difficult to do. Many are they who will have difficulty giving themselves up and adopting the appearance of being wrong or weak. Another warning I feel compelled to offer is this: sometimes arguments ensue over sinful behavior and the attempt on the part of someone to address or correct that behavior in someone else. I do not at all mean to suggest that we should avoid confrontation over sin. Scripture is equally clear that an effort must be made to restore those caught up in trespass (Galatians 6:1; 1 Peter 3:15). However, the same principles apply. What is our priority? Is it pointing out the mistakes and sins of others? Or is it the preservation of a soul? If we approach this very necessary obligation in the way Scripture commands, we will be successful in winning the souls of those who will humbly submit themselves to God and His will.

I called this article "How to Win Every Argument," but it is really about winning souls and maintaining relationships. If you have to "win" and get your way in every argument or disagreement, then your priority is not the relationship you have with your "adversary." On the other hand, if that relationship is your priority, winning for real makes losing in the eyes of others a lot easier. Aren't you glad God created us this way? Well, it's only because He loves you. I love you, too!

Donnie Bates

Monday, March 1, 2010

Who Am I?

What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him? (Psalm 8:4). I have thought a lot about this verse lately. In fact, I have wondered why God would take any interest at all in me personally. A good friend of mine recently reminded me that such an attitude doesn't give God much credit, because it suggests He would create something worthless. I suppose I knew that, but I think most of us realize that sometimes there is a disconnect between what our minds know and what our hearts feel.

Who am I, really? I know who I am when I describe myself by my job, by my name, by my position in my family, or the community, but when you peel all that away...who am I? I mean when it comes to considering my self worth. Not long ago someone else made it very clear to me that I am somebody worthwhile simply because of the price that was paid for me. ...knowing that you were ransomed from the futile ways inherited from your forefathers, not with perishable things such as silver or gold, but with the precious blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without blemish or spot (1 Peter 1:18, 19). That verse means I'm somebody because Jesus died for me. All those who have submitted to Jesus in humble, obedient faith have been ransomed with this same precious commodity that is so much more valuable than perishable things like silver and gold. And it is vitally important for those who have not so submitted their lives to Christ to understand that word "ransomed" in this passage. It means if you have not submitted to Jesus in humble, obedient faith, you remain in the custody of sin. The good news is that the same blood that ransomed the saved was shed for you, too.

Who am I? I am a man of like nature with everyone else. I am weak and susceptible to temptation. Thank God for passages like 1 Corinthians 10:13: No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Who am I? I am a man who fails frequently to remember that God is with me at all times. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me (Psalm 139:7-10).

Who am I? I am a man who, usually because of his own fault, suffers trials and tribulations, just like everyone else does. However, I am also a man who fails to give thanks for those opportunities to grow; in other words, I am a man who feels sorry for himself when things get a little tough. I am so thankful to God for giving me James 1:2-4: Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Who am I? I am a man whose faith is often weak; who day by day seems to understand the turmoil in the mind of the apostle Paul better and better. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate...For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing...For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord...There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 7:15, 19, 22-25a; 8:1).

Who am I? I am someone just like you. I am someone who wants to do the right thing, who wants to be faithful to God, but who frequently is weak and fails miserably. However, thanks be to God that He loves you and me enough, that we both have the opportunity to rise above our own weaknesses and, through the strength of his might, we can be strong in the Lord (Ephesians 6:10). I guess that means that you and I are somebody, because God loves us. Oh, and I love you, too.

Donnie Bates

Monday, February 22, 2010

The Hill

It was almost to the point that I didn't want to go to sleep again. I'd had the same dream for several nights running. It was the same, but not the same. Each night some of the details changed, but I knew it was the same dream. Each night the dream developed a little more. Throughout the dream I had been overcome with this horrible sense of guilt and hopelessness.

There was a hill in the dream. I wasn't sure why, but the hill filled me with dread. I could scarcely even look at it. Yet, for some reason, I was drawn to it. I didn't want to go, but something made me. My feet seemed to move on their own; against my will. As I approached the hill my sense of dread deepened.

The darkness was deep and absolute and yet, as could only happen in a dream, I could see. At the top of the hill was intense suffering. My deepening sense of guilt told me that somehow, in some surreal way, it was me. I was the one suffering. It felt like walking to the gallows. At this point, the sense of dread and foreboding was so intense that I usually woke up. However, last night, it went further. As I staggered to the top of the hill, I stumbled and fell. As I lifted my hand from the mud....mud? It wasn't raining! Why was the ground muddy? When I looked at my hand, I saw why the ground was wet. My hand was covered with blood. My blood! When I thought I would surely faint, I heard a scream from very near by. It was a terrifying scream. Almost otherworldly!! It was so loud it woke me up. Sheepishly, I realized the scream was my own, but before I could smile with relief, the memory of the dream flooded my mind.

I don't want to go to sleep tonight. I want to stay awake, but I know I won't be able. Sure enough, here I am, standing at the bottom of the hill. Those old feelings of dread and hopelessness wash over me again. I actually even hear myself whimper. Moving of their own volition, my feet begin their march to the summit. I stumble in the same place. I find blood on my hand again. I hear the scream again. This time, though, I realize it's not me. Someone else is screaming! Who is it? Looking closer at my hands, I see that the blood is dripping from above. Beyond my hands I see what looks like a post coming out of the ground. Slowly, I look up. A drop of blood hits my face. Someone is hanging above me. He's still alive, but just barely. Even in the darkness I can see His face. It shows the agony He feels. The scream had been His. His pain was intense. Yet, He looked at me with eyes full of love.

Suddenly, realization flooded over me. The hill was Golgotha. The Man was Jesus. Then I realized that I no longer felt the dread and guilt. As it all began to sink in and as the tears poured down my face, a rush of words raced through my mind: "Blessed are they that mourn..." "Father, forgive them..." "Having been justified by His blood..."

My guilt forced me to ascend that hill. It and my sense of dread and hopelessness were deserved. Yet, when I reached the top, I found Another hanging in my place. His blood washed my guilt away. My guilt, dread and hopelessness were replaced by godly sorrow, love and hope. He died for me. I will live for Him. My dream had been a journey to the foot of the cross. Suddenly, sleep never seemed so sweet.

God loves you and so do I.

Donnie Bates

Where Was God When Mama Died?

Each of us knows the pain that death brings because every family has experienced it. Every day the newspaper runs a full obituary column. And yet, when death visits our family or our friends' families, we are often shocked, not knowing how to respond, or what to think. Too often people respond in the wrong way and blame God or lose their faith, thinking that no loving God would let this happen. How should we respond?

It is easy to see the fallacy of blaming God when we are not suffering through this pain, but the question is still before us. As we said, death comes to every family. In all of Scripture only two men ever avoided it, Enoch and Elijah. Everyone else has died or will die until Jesus returns (Hebrews 9:27).

We should begin by asking a question that may not come to the minds of all, but definitely comes to the mind of some. Whose fault is it? On one level, it is no one's fault! Accidents happen. Sometimes a person dies because of an accident or because of an illness when there is no way anyone can point to another and say, "This was your fault!" This is usually when people want to blame God. We will discuss that more a little further on. On another level, there is direct fault. Sometimes people lose their lives as a direct result of their own or someone else's sin. Perhaps someone violently takes someone else's life. Or, perhaps through someone's carelessness they or someone else dies. There are still those who want to blame God in these cases.

So, how do we respond? One man lost his son and after brooding over it for three months, took his own life. Another man lost his son and cursed God for it. A woman lost her baby and became a recluse. A couple lost their elder son and stopped attending church and became alcoholics, completely ignoring their other children. Others react to such losses by leaning more than ever on the Lord.

What are we supposed to do? First of all, remember the words of Jesus, "Come to Me...I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). I know I run the risk of over-emphasizing that passage in this series to the point that it becomes trite. I hope you do not view it that way because it is too important a passage to forget. Do not leave God! Do not fool yourself into thinking that it will be better if you stay away from church because you cannot stand the attention of the church. In my ministry I have seen so many take that approach and some never make it back.

Let me close with some practical suggestions. Regularly attend worship; assemble with the saints of God! They are your family if you are a Christian and they can help because they have suffered this same pain, too.

Read your Bible daily! We should be doing this anyway. "I have not departed from the command of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food" (Job 23:12). Set a time and regularly listen to what God has to say about your pain; you will be surprised what it will do for you. I know this is also a suggestion you will be tempted to think trite, but it is not. It really works!

Another suggestion is...pray! Do not be afraid to talk to God. Do not be afraid to tell Him just how you feel. Yes, He already knows, but this really works as part of the healing process for you. Verbally give yourself to Him and He will help you through this difficult time.

And help others! Everyone knows the dangers of self-pity, although we would never use such a callous term in the presence of someone in such pain. However, there is no better way to soothe your pain than to soothe the pain of others. There are many times in the life of Jesus when He grieved. It is interesting to me that when Jesus went away to grieve and was followed by the multitudes, He responded by ministering to them. Ross Dye, in his book "Words of Comfort" said: "The loss of a loved one will either destroy your faith -- perhaps we should say that it will expose it as a farce -- or it will deepen your faith and enrich your spiritual life. It is most certainly a test of your faith. God does not bring these things upon you, but sometimes He allows them to happen. Faith must be tested in some ways if you are to ever know the reality of it. You are now on trial to see whether your faith is real. You have trusted God, you think, in seasons of joy, but what will you do in the storms? The Christian must not be a summer soldier."

Perhaps at a time like this we should remember passages such as 1 Corinthians 10:13 more than at other times. God has promised to make sure we do not have to suffer more temptation than we are able to bear and that includes the temptation to leave God when we suffer. It just seems like it is too much. I cannot help thinking that so much of what we have said in this series will be seen by some as trite, but it is true that the pain will ease with time, if we will lean on the Lord. There are many painful things in this world that I frankly do not think we could endure without the loving and everlasting arms of the Lord. Thank God we have them. Let us use them!!

There are other areas or circumstances that cause families pain, but this short series hopefully has helped us understand that there is help to endure the pain and I hope that you find that encouraging. That is why I wanted to include it in Barnabas Notes. I hope you never forget that God loves you and so do I.

Donnie Bates

Speed Kills

The title of this post comes from an anti-drug campaign of many years ago. In this article I do not intend to limit my comments to the drug known as Speed, but to all forms of narcotics, including alcohol. Drug abuse and alcoholism do not just cause pain in families, it destroys families. This problem is even more widespread than that of teenage promiscuity, although very often they go hand in hand. Isn't it interesting how our attitudes change from one class of assault on our families to the next? What I mean by that is that most families, including Christian families, would be much more horrified to discover their teenager was about to become a mother or father, than to learn that same teenager had been out drinking with his or her friends the night before. "Well, at least they got home safely!" we might reason as we breathed a sigh of relief. That suggests that, on some level at least, we have allowed substance abuse to achieve a certain level of acceptability and, because of that, we have paid, and will continue to pay, a heavy and painful price.

The first step in alleviating pain is eliminating the cause of the pain. Get rid of the drugs, and by that I do not mean hide them before the parents or the cops find them. I mean stop using! And then, do not leave God out of the equation. Remember, we can only serve one master (Matthew 6:24). Jesus made that clear. We understand, of course, that our One Master must be Jesus Himself. We cannot serve Christ and any other master. The apostle Paul made it clear that we are servants of the master we serve, not claim to serve (Romans 6:16). What does it mean to have a master? According to this passage, having a master is obeying someone or something. That means if you obey someone or something (in this case, illicit drugs or alcohol) other than Jesus, you are not His no matter what church roll bears your name. Drugs and alcohol are very much like masters in that they control us if we let them. So, we must decide who our master is.

As in every other article in this series, there is pain here. When a person allows himself (or herself) to be ruled by drugs, he (or she) chooses to despise or hate God, even though may be an unconscious decision. A real consequence of this kind of behavior is the loss of one's soul if he (or she) does not repent. This tears at a Christian family because no one likes to contemplate the loss of a loved one's soul. There is also the consequence of other, weaker, or more immature members of the family being led away. Children look up to their parents, even if their parents are engaged in sinful behavior. Younger siblings idolize older siblings and want "to have fun, too." All of these situations are painful for a family to endure. There are some other consequences, too. One of the characteristics of intoxication (root word - "toxic" - poison) is the lowering of inhibitions. In other words, when you are drunk, you do not mind doing some things that ordinarily decency and decorum would stop you from doing. Sometimes a drunk or "high" person will yell and scream at family members, even committing violence against them. Sometimes other sins are committed that ordinarily would not have been, e.g. adultery, robbery, or murder. Very often, regardless of the secondary activity of the drunk, the family is driven apart and destroyed. In any case, when such a demanding master as drugs enters a family, there is pain.

What can you do if this happens to your family? Remember Matthew 11:28. This may be the most common example of when Christians leave God because of a problem. People stop coming to church because they have this problem or are ashamed that their spouse or children have this problem. Any Christian in this predicament needs God more now than ever. Do not shut Him out!! Some other practical suggestions include what we have already seen of the responsibility of parents to act toward their children who are caught in this trap with love and understanding, but without acceptance of their sin (Ephesians 6:4). Wives must still love and obey their husbands in the Lord, rather than nagging until the husband straightens up; that doesn't usually happen anyway with that tactic (1 Peter 3:1). Husbands must still love their wives and give moral and spiritual leadership, rather than just giving up and leaving (Ephesians 5:25).

I would like to spend just a moment dealing with the question, "Is it a sickness?" Some want to justify their actions by saying they cannot help what they do because this is a sickness and, therefore, not a sin. As I understand it, science has shown that there are physiological changes in a person who, for example, is an alcoholic. Science has also shown that children of alcoholics have a proclivity to drink themselves, meaning that if they were to begin drinking it would be easier for them to become alcoholics themselves. However, none of this changes the fact that abuse of alcohol or any other drug is sin. The physical changes one's body endures (and their children's bodies endure) are proof of God's visiting the iniquities of the fathers on their children unto the third and fourth generations (Exodus 20:5; 34:7; Numbers 14:18; Deuteronomy 5:9). These passages do not teach that children are guilty of their fathers' sins, but that the consequences of the fathers' sins are often visited upon their children.

The Bible is very clear about how to avoid this problem (e.g. Proverbs 23:31-35; Galatians 5:20 - the word translated "witchcraft" or "sorcery" is the Greek word from which we get "pharmaceuticals," i.e. drugs). However, if it happens in your family, the Bible also tells us where to go for help and that is to God Himself. Abusing one's body with narcotics and alcohol hurts the family, but it hurts the body, too. There are real, physical consequences to this kind of lifestyle, some of which may not be reparable. Get the help you need! Professional, medical help may be necessary. Seek it if it is! However, through all the pain, do not give up on God. He still says, "Come to Me...I will give you rest..." because He loves you and I remind you because I do, too.

Donnie Bates

When Children Have Children

There is probably not a parent of a teenage daughter that has not thought of and shuddered at the possibility of that daughter becoming pregnant. Most parents of sons probably do not worry about this as much, but they should because the sin of fornication and immorality is not one-sided. And, by the way, it is sin whether she becomes pregnant or not. This subject is so emotional for some that they simply refuse to think objectively through it. There is real pain here. How do we deal with it? What do we do?

Several years ago a survey was conducted among teens in the churches of Christ, and I would like to share some of the results of that survey. 71.5% were virgins; 6% had experienced some form of incest; 12% had used drugs (including alcohol) to enhance promiscuous activity; 15% looked at some form of pornography from occasionally to once a week; 34% said their parents were extremely influential concerning their sexual beliefs and behavior; 11% felt a strong need to conform to peer pressure, while 38% were able to resist it, but with great difficulty; and 46% said the media had a major impact on their sexual behavior. These statistics are more than twenty years old and I do not imagine things have gotten better in the meantime.

Scripture addresses some of these same areas. Do not be deceived: "Bad company corrupts good morals" (1 Corinthians 15:33). "I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one" (John 17:15). Beloved, I urge you as aliens and strangers to abstain from fleshly lusts which wage war against the soul (1 Peter 2:11). The statistics above prove that the concerns addressed by these and other Scriptures are real and dangerous.

When something like this happens in your family statistics might as well be thrown out the window. You may be armed with the all the latest statistical information on the sexual behavior of young people, but when your daughter turns up pregnant, or your son impregnates someone else's daughter, you could not care less about those statistics. Suddenly, instead of asking, "How can I keep this from happening in my family?" you have other questions racing through your mind: "How did this happen to my child?" "Where did I go wrong?" "What are people going to think?" "What are the people at church going to say?" "How can I ever face them?" Those are all normal questions that most people ask, but notice that not one of them dealt with the pain and the needs of that teenager.

Satan has struck a blow against your family in this case. It is true that most people will first think of themselves in reeling from such a blow, although not all will. It is so important to be strong spiritually before this happens so as to better withstand such a thing. A good parent is going to soon recover from the shock and begin to work to help this child through a crisis situation. New questions should be asked: "How does a 12, 13, or 14-year-old deal with a problem like this?" "What help is there available to a family dealing with this?" "What should we do with the baby?"

Let us try to answer these questions from a Biblical perspective. An adolescent who is thrust into a grown-up world by promiscuity cannot deal with this alone. He (or she) needs God, first and foremost (Matthew 11:28). One of the results of the survey mentioned above showed that a number of teens felt that this sin was unforgivable. As serious as it ranks in our minds and as painful as it is in our families, this is not an unforgivable sin. The first thing this child should remember is that God still says, "Come to Me...I will give you rest..." While the child can survive with only God on his or her side, these children really need their parents to let them know they still love them, they understand the temptations the children fell prey to, and they are going to stand beside them and help them through this. The command for parents to bring their children up in the diligence and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4) is still in effect. This is a wonderful opportunity to teach our children how to respond to adversity (James 1:2-4). One of the hardest things for this child and the family to do is come to church, once word gets out. A strong Christian family can survive this ordeal without the support of a loving, compassionate church, but a loving, compassionate church can do much to heal this kind of pain. The Bible does not allow the church to tolerate sin (1 Corinthians 5:1-7); however, we are not allowed to turn away from one who has repented, either (2 Corinthians 2:5-8). This really answers the question about what help there is available to a family in this situation. God, a loving family and a loving church all play a big role in helping a family survive this kind of pain.

The question about what to do with the baby is a hot topic today. Let me say flatly and unequivocally that abortion is simply not an option if one is interested in God's will. There is just no excuse for killing an innocent child to cover up someone else's sin. Some families decide to give up the child for adoption, and that is a legitimate option. Other families decide to keep the baby; just because a child is conceived through a sinful act does not mean that child cannot bring joy and blessing to a household just like any other child. That baby is a beautiful and precious gift from God (Psalm 127:4, 5).

I know this is an emotional issue when it happens to your family. It is a problem that terrifies many parents of adolescents and many simply cannot see beyond the sin to a possible solution. It is true that this particular sin (promiscuity - immorality), that results in pregnancy, is one that has a permanent physical consequence, unlike some other sins (we should remember that all sins of which we do not repent have a permanent spiritual consequence). However, that consequence does not mean the sinner cannot be forgiven. It does not mean that this sin cannot be overcome. It does not mean the end of the world for those involved, even though it may seem like it does. Their world is certainly going to change. It may very well be completely different from what they had planned, but it can still be in accordance with the will of God.

There is, or can be, a bright future still in the offing. There must be repentance of the sin on the part of the promiscuous child. There must be love, forgiveness and acceptance of that hurting, penitent child by his or her parents, though that does not mean acceptance of their sinful activity. There must be love, forgiveness and acceptance on the part of the church. This kind of response will go a long way toward relieving this kind of pain. God knew that and for this reason designed us and His church to fill this role to ease the suffering of its saints. What a great God we have! He loves you and so, by the way, do I.

Donnie Bates

Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Loss of a Child

By "The Loss of a Child" we mean either losing a child in death or losing a child to the world. The pain in either case is real, and severe. What can parents do in such a situation? In the case of losing a child to the world, what can we do to avoid such a situation? Sometimes we cannot avoid it and there is pain to deal with.

Sometimes dealing with pain is itself painful. On the one hand, I know that the Balm of Gilead (the Great Physician - Jesus Himself) heals like no other and the Word of God comforts like no other word(s). On the other hand, realizing that addressing pain can itself be painful, I would not intentionally cause pain if it could be avoided. For this reason, and because the pain we will discuss in this post can happen not because of a bad decision we make, and is such a deep pain, it is difficult to present for your consideration. Please know that every note from friend Barnabas is offered with love and concern that a Christian is supposed to have for his brethren who are in pain (Romans 12:15).

What do we do when a child dies? Few things can be as painful as this for a parent. And yet, children do die and we have to deal with that fact. Does God have anything to say when something awful happens? Thankfully, yes!

Remember, with every hurt we address in this series, we will return to Matthew 11:28: "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." This certainly falls into the category of "weary and heavy-laden." Even though it may seem small comfort at the time, it ought to be a comfort that children who are not old enough to be responsible for their actions, who do not understand the rightness or wrongness of their actions (we call this the "age of accountability") are not lost, but safe in the arms of Jesus (Matthew 18:3; Romans 7:9; 5:13). What God says to us at a time like this may not contain all the "whys" and "wherefores" we want answered, but He does tell us that we will be comforted (Matthew 5:4), that this trial will not be too much for us to bear with His help (1 Corinthians 10:13), and that you have a family that is designed to be with you and weep with in this time of terrible grief (Romans 12:15).

It is also true that older children, perhaps our adult children, die for whatever reason, before their parents. Basically, the same promises of comfort apply. One difference of particular concern in this case would be the spiritual condition of that child at death. As parents, we cannot be responsible for our adult children's behavior, although we are responsible for our own actions in teaching this or that behavior. We must fulfill our responsibility to teach our children in such a way that when that day comes (if it comes) our grief is limited to the temporary separation from that child. Someone might say, "But I know my son or daughter was not a Christian! What do I do? What does God have to say to me?" The first thing He says is, "Come to Me...I will give you rest!" At no time must we ever decide that the answer is to leave God. And then we must trust God to get us through.

What do we do when a child leaves under unhappy circumstances? What if he/she runs away? We may not be as familiar with such cases as this, but they do happen and sometimes to Christian families. What do we do? What counsel does God give us in this situation? Speaking as a father, I would move heaven and earth to find my runaway child. I am not so ignorant, or arrogant, however, to think I am the only father who ever felt that way and some have acted on that feeling. Sometimes they are successful and sometimes they are not. What then? Again, start with Matthew 11:28 (I hope that before we end this short series on dealing with family pain you begin to understand just how important this verse is). Then, remember that we are to provide for our families. But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). It may be that you cannot find them, but do not give up looking! If you find them, be sure that you do what is necessary to meet the needs of that child. As tempting as it may be, a belt or a grounding may not be the appropriate response right then. The child ran from something and to keep it from happening again you are going to have to address that something. Start by remembering what Paul said in Ephesians 6:4: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. If your sin is the reason they ran, repent of it; ask their forgiveness, as well as, God's. This is not a question of losing your authority over your child, but of teaching that child the correct way to respond to mistakes. There may very well be some serious problems invoved here that require professional help; do not be afraid to use it if necessary.

What about a disagreement that result in the breaking of a relationship? This situation involves older children who are adults, or almost adults, who are still living at home; or, it may be that the child has his or her own home. Remember, start with Matthew 11:28. A young lady between 15-17 years old, in a Christian family, became pregnant. Her response was to repent and ask for forgiveness for her sin. She was going to have the baby and give it up for adoption. Her father's response was to disown her. This man turned to himself rather than to God with this heavy burden. Were it not for this girl's faithful mother and a couple who took her in while she waited to have the baby, this father might well have destroyed the soul of his daughter. The commands to provide for our own and to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord still apply. We cannot discard them because people in the community might find out that our children played adult games and now must grow up too fast.

If your children are already adults and there is a problem that threatens to break the relationship, we must remember that we are not allowed to lay aside our Christianity for any reason. If you are the source of the problem, repent! If someone else is the source of the problem, forgive! Remember Jesus' words in Matthew 5:23, 24: "Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering."

Here is some preventive medicine. Environment plays an important role in the future lives of our children. Obviously, raising children in a Christian home will avoid a lot of the problems the world has to deal with. However, a Christian home is more than just a home that toes the line and obeys all the rules. It is also a home full of love and joy and mistakes and forgiveness and prayer, not just on the part of the children, but of everybody. So, build your home to be a nurturing environment that teaches your children not just to rejoice in the Lord always, but also how to deal with problems when they come...because they will come.

What do we do when a child leaves the church? First, consider this from the perspective of a child from a non-Christian home that is now Christian; a home where the children did not grow up going to church and so did not have the advantage of being raised in a Christian environment. The parents have since become Christians. What do they do about their children? If they love them, they will try to share with them the good news they have found. This is evangelism, but the stakes are higher (or seem to be) because these parents are more personally involved; these are their children. Because they are so personally involved, they must be careful not to lose control of their emotions. Also, remember that the emotions of the children can get out of control, so they must be doubly careful. For that reason, they may want some help from their brothers and sisters in Christ, but whatever else happens, they must not give up on those children!!

Now, let us consider this from the perspective of a Christian home; a home where the children did grow up going to church, but, as adults, have left the church. This could happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes children leave the church because they were never really a part of it and that was because the parents were only marginally a part of the group (you cannot be a marginal Christian, by the way). Sometimes there is an incident at church that drives our children (and sometimes adults, too) away. As hurtful as some of the things brethren say are, that is no excuse to leave the church and usually that is just what this is...an excuse. Every passage of Scripture that deals with saving an erring brother or sister applies to parents whose children have left the church. The same cautions noted in the last point apply, as well, but the responsibility is still there, too. Do not give up on them!

Doctors, lawyers and policemen are told not to practice their professions on family members because they are too close. Christians are not allowed to use that excuse. We cannot refuse to practice our Christianity in the presence of family members because we are too close to them or because we do not want to offend them. That is still a tempation, though, isn't it? When it comes to our children, do you want to teach them that we serve God no matter what comes in life, or only as long as it is convenient? If you choose the latter, you run the very real risk of suffering through the pain discussed here.

Our children and grandchildren (Deuteronomy 4:9) are growing up in a scary world. They have one shot at survival and that shot is God! We must do everything we can to make sure they have all the tools to survive spiritually. Then, if they do not survive physically, we can be sure of eternity with them worshipping our God if we remain faithful ourselves. What a wonderful God we serve! He loves you and so do I.

Donnie Bates

Daddy Won't Be Home Tonight!

I am convinced that one of the things that gets pushed aside and forgotten in the religious discussion of divorce today is the effect it has on the family. We may spend a lot of time discussing just exactly what Jesus meant when He gave His treatise on divorce in Matthew 19, but we rarely talk about how children of divorced parents are supposed to deal with the multitude of feelings they have.

All of us are aware of the growing problem of divorce. However, the problem really came home to me when I started driving a school bus and started getting to know a lot of kids outside our church family. I was shocked at how many kids there are whose last names were not the same as the parents they were living with and sometimes I had siblings on my bus with different last names and sometimes none of those names was the same as the household name. Since divorce is a growing problem, the pain of divorce is a growing problem. When our moms and/or dads walk out, how are we supposed to feel? What are we supposed to do? The purpose of this post is not to point fingers of accusation at divorced parents for the pain they have caused to their children; rather it is to help us listen to what God has to say to those suffering that pain. We must not forget that in so many cases, Mom and Dad feel that pain, too. The important thing to remember is that even if Daddy won't be home tonight, our heavenly Father will be!

Where was God when my parents divorced? Was it His fault? It seems there is a natural tendency for some people to blame God. It is as though they feel that the only reason God should exist is to make sure that nothing bad ever happens to them, and this feels like the worst "bad" that could happen. Scripture makes it clear, however, that suffering exists in this world because of sin, which makes it our fault, not God's. ...through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned -- (Romans 5:12). The answer to our question is, "No, it wasn't God's fault that someone divorced!" Sin was the culprit and sin is in our sphere of influence (that's a nice way of saying it was our fault). Whenever there is divorce, there is sin involved. Even in those cases where there is Scriptural reason for divorce (Matthew 19:9), sin is present on the part of the one who committed adultery.

We really ought to ask ourselves how God feels about divorce. Malachi 2:6 tells us that God hates divorce. When Jesus was explaining that there is only one Scriptural reason for divorce (Matthew 19) He said that God never intended for divorce to be practiced the way it was and the way it is now. It was always His intention that one man and one woman should live together as long as they both lived (Matthew 19:5, 6).

What are we supposed to do now? Let us first answer this question from the perspective of the children. What should our attitude be toward our divorced parents? I am thankful to God that my parents love each other as much or more now than they did when they married more than 50 years ago, but that means I do not speak from experience in answering this question. However, as most of us do, I know many who have experienced the divorce of their parents. Some of them have handled it badly and others not so much. Ephesians 6:1 tells children to obey their parents in the Lord. That command is not qualified to exclude parents who have been divorced. Nor does it allow us to choose which we will obey when the commands conflict; we cannot sin in order to be obedient to a parent (Luke 14:26; Acts 5:29). As hurt as we may feel, our attitude towards our parents should be one of love, obedience and compassion if we are still living at home. Even if one or both parents is/are guilty of some terrible sin such as adultery, drunkenness, or violence, we are not allowed to hate or hold any malice in our hearts toward them (Matthew 7:12). I know that is a lot easier said than done, but we must remember that we are never allowed to lay aside our Christianity for any reason.

If we are adult children of divorced parents the principles are basically the same. The principle of obedience has changed somewhat now that you have your own household, but the love and respect your parents were once due is still due them. On the other hand, you are not required to take sides no matter how much pressure may be put on you from one or both parents to do so. You are only required to remain on the Lord's side.

What should our attitudes be toward our estranged spouse? If your spouse has divorced you for some reason other than adultery, there is no question that you are going to experience pain. If you are the innocent party in this situation remember Jesus' offer in Matthew 11:28: "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest..." You must remember your own responsibilities concerning marriage as described in Matthew 5:32: "...but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." Just as we noted above, we are not allowed the luxury of malice toward anyone, even such a spouse. If you are the guilty party in a divorce, the first thing you must do is repent of your sin and the pain you have caused your family; and by "repent" we mean true Godly sorrow as described in 2 Corinthians 7:10, 11, which means you must stop committing adultery. And, once you have changed your mind and your life from that kind of lifestyle you, too should take advantage of the comfort found only in Jesus.

What about our attitude toward our children? If you are considering divorce for any reason other than adultery, think of the pain you are going to inflict on your children (not to mention the example and lesson you are teaching them). If there is adultery involved, you still must consider those children, and then make a decision that takes into account their best interest, as well. And never forget that even in such a painful circumstance, you are teaching your children how to deal with pain. Even here you can teach them to rely on God's strength to get you through. Or, you teach them that when pain comes to this family we abandon God. I realize that this is an oversimplification of the choices involved, but even with the variety of specific options, they basically boil down to these two choices.

Well, what does all this mean to me? Can I still be a Christian? Society's view of divorce has changed much in my lifetime, but there is still a stigma associated with being divorced. However, if you are the innocent party in a divorce, there is nothing that makes you less a Christian. If you are the guilty party, you can still be a faithful Christian too, provided you repent of your sin.

Do I have to follow my parents' example? Statistics show that children of divorced parents are more likely to experience divorce in their own families, but that does not mean they have to. This is just a result (and proof) of the lessons taught in family crises. I know personally of successful and happy marriages in Christian homes that involve children of broken and dysfunctional families. I should also point out that there is some pain involved in dealing with this subject for the simple reason that some of the closest friends I have on this earth have been through this specific kind of pain, some from whom I have learned some of the principles outlined in this article and others with whom I have wept as we dealt with that pain. It is a very real problem and it is a very real pain that feels as though it will tear the hearts from our chests.

We have not dealt with every facet of the problem of divorce here, but we have tried to show that God is concerned with the pain caused by divorce. Often when a family suffers through pain this severe they take an "all-bets-are-off" kind of attitude with respect to God and Christianity. Well, God does not abandon us even when we abandon Him! When considering divorce, whether from a personal or doctrinal perspective, let us not forget the rest of what Scripture has to say on the subject. Let us not forget the commands to repent and to forgive; to love and to submit to; to use Christ's relationship with the church as our example. And even if the marriage simply cannot be salvaged, let us not lose our souls along with our marriage. God does not want that, because He loves you and I wanted to tell you that because I love you to!

Donnie Bates

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

All in the Family

All families suffer pain. I would like to dedicate this and the next few posts of Barnabas Notes to the encouragement of those whose families are hurting. Often it seems that people have the idea that the only thing God has to say about our problems is, "Be good" or "You cannot have any part of Me until you solve your problems." Nothing could be further from the truth!

Virtually any discussion of the current sociopolitical climate will, at some point, come around to issues affecting families; real people just like you and me. One of the most important topics of discussion and debate in our capital right now is health care. That affects families. Part of the debate on health care deals with abortion and single parent families. Other specific issues that continue to be discussed are specific issues like gangs, drugs and "drive-by shootings"; issues that tear apart families. Politicians on both sides of the aisle want their constituents to think they are concerned with "family values." About the only thing anyone knows for sure today about families is that there is a lot of pain and many have begun to believe that there is no hope no matter where they look. And it is worse now than any of us can remember.

There has always been enough hurt to go around. Families have lost children and/or parents to illness, accident or violence as long as there have been families. Fathers and mothers and children have always "run away" from the rest of the family. There have always been family members who have suffered abuse from someone else in the family. However, it seems that family violece and suffering are on the increase. It could be that it is just reported more; or, it could be that things are just worse. The question is: "Why?" One possibility is that we are seeing the result of several decades of the effect of television. That is probably a little over-simplified, but the argument has some merit. Another possibility is the principle that "what parents excuse in moderation, children abuse in excess" as someone once said. The truth is probably a combination of these and some other factors. The next question would have to be: "What are we going to do?" Before we endeavor to answer that question, we should note that the problems of divorce, drug abuse and family violence, while not as prevalent in the church as they are in the world, are in the church, nevertheless.

In answering any of the specific problems families face, we must first lay a foundation. First, let's identify the cause of the problem. I know, we already talked about why we have this problem. However, let's go back even further, to an even more general cause of the problem. Is life just a roll of the dice...you either have good kids (or parents) or you don't? Some people believe that, but I vigorously deny it! If that were the case, we would not have Scriptures like ...fathers do not provoke your children to wrath... (Ephesians 6:4), or ...evil companions corrupt good morals... (1 Corinthians 15:33). The reason these problems that hurt and destroy families in the world, and even in the church, is because of sin on the part of someone; someone did not obey these commands and others like them. Now, what are we going to do about it?

Matthew 11:28-30 is going to play a large part in dealing with the problems families suffer through in a more specific sense: "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." The first step we must take in coming to Jesus is to repent. Regardless of whose sin has brought about the suffering the family is enduring, we must pray for God's help. We must develop an attitude that God is on our side and if we remain on His side (faithful to Him) none of these problems can overcome us. Take some time and read Romans 8:31-39. We must then diligently search the Scriptures to find God's will for dealing with the specific problems that afflict our families. In the next few posts we will be doing just that.

It has been my experience that a great number of people, even Christians, feel that when problems arise, God has somehow failed them. Others may not feel that strongly about it, but still have the idea that they will solve their problems before they approach the Lord. Well, that approach will not work in the long run. The truth of the matter is that God does not give us these problems to punish us, but He does allow us to undergo tests that will only strengthen us if we will rely on His strength to get us through. It ought to be a great source of unceasing comfort and encouragement to know that no matter what happens in your family, God stands at your elbow, ready to take on all your worries and fears and give you the only kind of comfort that helps. He wants to help ease the pain in your family because He loves you and I want you to know that because I love you, too.

Donnie Bates

Monday, January 25, 2010

Crossing the Jordan

It has been my privilege and blessing to have had, on several occasions, the opportunity to write in tribute to a faithful brother who has passed from this life. I realize that the older I get, the more frequently this is likely to happen, but it must be understood that the admiration is genuine in each case.

On Sunday, January 24, 2010 brother Dick Logan laid down his earthly tent and stepped into eternity. It has been my blessing to know this brother almost my entire life. I remember playing against basketball and softball teams he coached when I was a youngster. As a teenager I remember him preaching in small congregations of the Lord's church in the area, always ready to help small groups of Christians who needed it. I remember him as a faithful Gospel preacher (no preacher could ask for higher praise in someone's memory). I mentioned just today to a dear friend of mine that I felt brother Dick was instrumental in my moving to Hugo, Oklahoma just over ten years ago. That move, for my family and me, proved to be pivotal in the way our lives have turned out to this point. In the last ten years, when I was able to be around him more, Dick always had an encouraging word to say to me; I never failed to be humbled by his kindness when in his presence.

Circumstances require that I be out of the country on the day his earthly remains are laid to rest. However, I know that brother Dick would say that is exactly where I need to be. Even so, at 3:00 p.m. CST on Thursday, January 28, 2010, a large part of my heart will be in a country school building in the community of Forrest Grove in Southeastern Oklahoma where family (both physical and spiritual) and friends of Dick Logan will gather to offer tributes to my friend and fellow soldier of the cross. I will not say "final respects" because respect will be paid to this faithful man every time his name is mentioned for many years to come. I pray God's richest blessings on Dick's wife Gloria and all the rest of his family.

Many who read this blog do not know Dick Logan. However, you know of others who have lived faithful lives before God according to His Word. I will close by allowing the apostle Paul to offer words of comfort and it is my wish (and I believe brother Dick would agree) that these words of comfort be applied to every family who grieves at the loss of a loved one who faithfully served Jehovah God.

But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope. For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep in Jesus. For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we shall always be with the Lord. Therefore, comfort one another with these words. (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18).

God loves you and so do I.

Donnie Bates

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

My Friends

I have had a lot of cause to think about my friends and friendship in general lately. I am so blessed not to ever have any reason to feel lonely. And, yes, I fully recognize that is a blessing because so many people feel all alone. I could point out that no one should ever feel alone in this world (Psalm 139). I could do my best to convince you that you have friends who love you, but the fact of the matter is, some people feel lonely...some experience a loneliness that is overwhelming.

I have written in other posts about friendship and the healing power of ministry. My purpose here is not to rehash old articles. I find myself this evening simply thinking about my friends. I am so glad that you are part of my life! All of my life I have heard and have been taught that a Christian is never truly alone; that God and one faithful person make a majority. I do not intend to contradict that idea, but I have to say that it becomes more and more evident that my friends are God's gift to me. I can survive if all I have is Him, but I thank Him that He has given me more!

Solomon wrote: A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity (Proverbs 17:17). To my friends I just want to say, "I love you! I pray God's richest blessings upon you. May you have the peace the surpasses all comprehension and may you ever and always know how important you are to me, but more importantly how important you are to God (John 3:16)."

Just in case anyone missed it in all of that, God loves you and so do I!

Donnie Bates

Sunday, January 3, 2010

What Now?

Marriage is hard! Everyone who is or has been married knows the truth of that statement. The Scriptures are full of advice and commands on how to make marriage work. The problem is, we sometimes do not listen to what the Scriptures say. The fact of the matter is, the principles I want to focus on in this post apply not only to marriage, but to other relationships, and not only to other relationships in general, but in our whole walk (life) before God; so, ultimately, we mean THE relationship that is most important in the life of each one of us and that would be our relationship with our heavenly Father.

There is some truth to the notion that life is hard. We have a somewhat irreverent modern proverb that says, "Life is hard...then you die!" For the faithful Christian, however, such a statement is not a cynical reflection, but a hope-filled statement.

In his first general epistle, the apostle Peter addressed the relationship between a husband and wife (1 Peter 3). Wives are commanded to be obedient and submissive to their husbands and in the case of a Christian woman who is married to a non-Christian man, such a faithful, Christian attitude can actually lead him to Christ. Husbands are commanded to love their wives and treat them in a very special way, as with a "weaker vessel" and as "heirs together of the grace of life" (i.e. as a fellow Christian) and he gives a warning to husbands who do not obey this command; their prayers will be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). In marriage, as in every other walk of life, if we do not obey the clear commands of Scripture, we are guilty of sin. Unlike many other sins, when we fail in this area (marriage) there is a great deal more pain and suffering evident. In a relationship as close as the marriage relationship (one flesh), the pain and injury caused by insensitivity and outright malice, whether manifested in infidelity or abuse (physical and/or verbal) is more intensely felt than in almost any other kind of sin. Well, what now? It would be easy to dwell in the past, and blame others or even ourselves, but what do I need to do right now in order to be found pleasing to God?

I cannot say this strongly enough: If you are guilty of sin in this or any other area of life, the very first thing you must do is repent and you must do so now. Do not wait until a convenient time, because a more convenient time than now will never come. That having been done, the question comes again: Now what?

The answer to that question is this: realize the true nature of what is happening. You, as a soldier of the cross, are under attack by your enemy, Satan. If you have been guilty of sin he has caused you injury, not in the hurt feelings you experience, but in the case of your yielding to temptation and committing the sin. I am referring to a spiritual injury, not a physical or emotional one. In realizing that you are a soldier of the cross, that this is a war, you should also realize that you are not a lonely sentry cut off from his or her unit. You are not in this alone. Our God has made you part of a fighting unit (the church) and you have faithful comrades in arms who will stand beside you and fight and even if in the fight we lose our lives physically, we win the fight spiritually if we remain faithful. And let us not forget that also on our side is our Dread Champion (Jeremiah 20:11). We will not lose as long as we remain on His side.

Returning to Peter's comments, notice how the apostle describes the Good Fight of living the faithful Christian life, in the context of a successful marriage. 1 Peter 3:10-12: "He who would love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayers; but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil."

It does not matter if that which causes you such pain today is a failed marriage, or an attack by someone else who is close to you. It does not matter if your boss has treated you unfairly, or your neighbor has taken advantage of you. Even if a teacher in your school has taken a particular interest in making your life miserable, or if you yourself are the guilty one in any of these scenarios, you can overcome. You can turn from evil and do good, seek peace and pursue it and know that God's eyes are on you; He will not forsake you. He will not force you to repent, or take away your sins if you do not, but if you do, you will win...you will overcome. Isn't it a wonderful thing to know that God loves you? I hope it gives you some measure of comfort to know that I do, too.

Donnie Bates