The Loss of a Child

By "The Loss of a Child" we mean either losing a child in death or losing a child to the world. The pain in either case is real, and severe. What can parents do in such a situation? In the case of losing a child to the world, what can we do to avoid such a situation? Sometimes we cannot avoid it and there is pain to deal with.

Sometimes dealing with pain is itself painful. On the one hand, I know that the Balm of Gilead (the Great Physician - Jesus Himself) heals like no other and the Word of God comforts like no other word(s). On the other hand, realizing that addressing pain can itself be painful, I would not intentionally cause pain if it could be avoided. For this reason, and because the pain we will discuss in this post can happen not because of a bad decision we make, and is such a deep pain, it is difficult to present for your consideration. Please know that every note from friend Barnabas is offered with love and concern that a Christian is supposed to have for his brethren who are in pain (Romans 12:15).

What do we do when a child dies? Few things can be as painful as this for a parent. And yet, children do die and we have to deal with that fact. Does God have anything to say when something awful happens? Thankfully, yes!

Remember, with every hurt we address in this series, we will return to Matthew 11:28: "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." This certainly falls into the category of "weary and heavy-laden." Even though it may seem small comfort at the time, it ought to be a comfort that children who are not old enough to be responsible for their actions, who do not understand the rightness or wrongness of their actions (we call this the "age of accountability") are not lost, but safe in the arms of Jesus (Matthew 18:3; Romans 7:9; 5:13). What God says to us at a time like this may not contain all the "whys" and "wherefores" we want answered, but He does tell us that we will be comforted (Matthew 5:4), that this trial will not be too much for us to bear with His help (1 Corinthians 10:13), and that you have a family that is designed to be with you and weep with in this time of terrible grief (Romans 12:15).

It is also true that older children, perhaps our adult children, die for whatever reason, before their parents. Basically, the same promises of comfort apply. One difference of particular concern in this case would be the spiritual condition of that child at death. As parents, we cannot be responsible for our adult children's behavior, although we are responsible for our own actions in teaching this or that behavior. We must fulfill our responsibility to teach our children in such a way that when that day comes (if it comes) our grief is limited to the temporary separation from that child. Someone might say, "But I know my son or daughter was not a Christian! What do I do? What does God have to say to me?" The first thing He says is, "Come to Me...I will give you rest!" At no time must we ever decide that the answer is to leave God. And then we must trust God to get us through.

What do we do when a child leaves under unhappy circumstances? What if he/she runs away? We may not be as familiar with such cases as this, but they do happen and sometimes to Christian families. What do we do? What counsel does God give us in this situation? Speaking as a father, I would move heaven and earth to find my runaway child. I am not so ignorant, or arrogant, however, to think I am the only father who ever felt that way and some have acted on that feeling. Sometimes they are successful and sometimes they are not. What then? Again, start with Matthew 11:28 (I hope that before we end this short series on dealing with family pain you begin to understand just how important this verse is). Then, remember that we are to provide for our families. But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). It may be that you cannot find them, but do not give up looking! If you find them, be sure that you do what is necessary to meet the needs of that child. As tempting as it may be, a belt or a grounding may not be the appropriate response right then. The child ran from something and to keep it from happening again you are going to have to address that something. Start by remembering what Paul said in Ephesians 6:4: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. If your sin is the reason they ran, repent of it; ask their forgiveness, as well as, God's. This is not a question of losing your authority over your child, but of teaching that child the correct way to respond to mistakes. There may very well be some serious problems invoved here that require professional help; do not be afraid to use it if necessary.

What about a disagreement that result in the breaking of a relationship? This situation involves older children who are adults, or almost adults, who are still living at home; or, it may be that the child has his or her own home. Remember, start with Matthew 11:28. A young lady between 15-17 years old, in a Christian family, became pregnant. Her response was to repent and ask for forgiveness for her sin. She was going to have the baby and give it up for adoption. Her father's response was to disown her. This man turned to himself rather than to God with this heavy burden. Were it not for this girl's faithful mother and a couple who took her in while she waited to have the baby, this father might well have destroyed the soul of his daughter. The commands to provide for our own and to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord still apply. We cannot discard them because people in the community might find out that our children played adult games and now must grow up too fast.

If your children are already adults and there is a problem that threatens to break the relationship, we must remember that we are not allowed to lay aside our Christianity for any reason. If you are the source of the problem, repent! If someone else is the source of the problem, forgive! Remember Jesus' words in Matthew 5:23, 24: "Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering."

Here is some preventive medicine. Environment plays an important role in the future lives of our children. Obviously, raising children in a Christian home will avoid a lot of the problems the world has to deal with. However, a Christian home is more than just a home that toes the line and obeys all the rules. It is also a home full of love and joy and mistakes and forgiveness and prayer, not just on the part of the children, but of everybody. So, build your home to be a nurturing environment that teaches your children not just to rejoice in the Lord always, but also how to deal with problems when they come...because they will come.

What do we do when a child leaves the church? First, consider this from the perspective of a child from a non-Christian home that is now Christian; a home where the children did not grow up going to church and so did not have the advantage of being raised in a Christian environment. The parents have since become Christians. What do they do about their children? If they love them, they will try to share with them the good news they have found. This is evangelism, but the stakes are higher (or seem to be) because these parents are more personally involved; these are their children. Because they are so personally involved, they must be careful not to lose control of their emotions. Also, remember that the emotions of the children can get out of control, so they must be doubly careful. For that reason, they may want some help from their brothers and sisters in Christ, but whatever else happens, they must not give up on those children!!

Now, let us consider this from the perspective of a Christian home; a home where the children did grow up going to church, but, as adults, have left the church. This could happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes children leave the church because they were never really a part of it and that was because the parents were only marginally a part of the group (you cannot be a marginal Christian, by the way). Sometimes there is an incident at church that drives our children (and sometimes adults, too) away. As hurtful as some of the things brethren say are, that is no excuse to leave the church and usually that is just what this is...an excuse. Every passage of Scripture that deals with saving an erring brother or sister applies to parents whose children have left the church. The same cautions noted in the last point apply, as well, but the responsibility is still there, too. Do not give up on them!

Doctors, lawyers and policemen are told not to practice their professions on family members because they are too close. Christians are not allowed to use that excuse. We cannot refuse to practice our Christianity in the presence of family members because we are too close to them or because we do not want to offend them. That is still a tempation, though, isn't it? When it comes to our children, do you want to teach them that we serve God no matter what comes in life, or only as long as it is convenient? If you choose the latter, you run the very real risk of suffering through the pain discussed here.

Our children and grandchildren (Deuteronomy 4:9) are growing up in a scary world. They have one shot at survival and that shot is God! We must do everything we can to make sure they have all the tools to survive spiritually. Then, if they do not survive physically, we can be sure of eternity with them worshipping our God if we remain faithful ourselves. What a wonderful God we serve! He loves you and so do I.

Donnie Bates