Daddy Won't Be Home Tonight!

I am convinced that one of the things that gets pushed aside and forgotten in the religious discussion of divorce today is the effect it has on the family. We may spend a lot of time discussing just exactly what Jesus meant when He gave His treatise on divorce in Matthew 19, but we rarely talk about how children of divorced parents are supposed to deal with the multitude of feelings they have.

All of us are aware of the growing problem of divorce. However, the problem really came home to me when I started driving a school bus and started getting to know a lot of kids outside our church family. I was shocked at how many kids there are whose last names were not the same as the parents they were living with and sometimes I had siblings on my bus with different last names and sometimes none of those names was the same as the household name. Since divorce is a growing problem, the pain of divorce is a growing problem. When our moms and/or dads walk out, how are we supposed to feel? What are we supposed to do? The purpose of this post is not to point fingers of accusation at divorced parents for the pain they have caused to their children; rather it is to help us listen to what God has to say to those suffering that pain. We must not forget that in so many cases, Mom and Dad feel that pain, too. The important thing to remember is that even if Daddy won't be home tonight, our heavenly Father will be!

Where was God when my parents divorced? Was it His fault? It seems there is a natural tendency for some people to blame God. It is as though they feel that the only reason God should exist is to make sure that nothing bad ever happens to them, and this feels like the worst "bad" that could happen. Scripture makes it clear, however, that suffering exists in this world because of sin, which makes it our fault, not God's. ...through one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sinned -- (Romans 5:12). The answer to our question is, "No, it wasn't God's fault that someone divorced!" Sin was the culprit and sin is in our sphere of influence (that's a nice way of saying it was our fault). Whenever there is divorce, there is sin involved. Even in those cases where there is Scriptural reason for divorce (Matthew 19:9), sin is present on the part of the one who committed adultery.

We really ought to ask ourselves how God feels about divorce. Malachi 2:6 tells us that God hates divorce. When Jesus was explaining that there is only one Scriptural reason for divorce (Matthew 19) He said that God never intended for divorce to be practiced the way it was and the way it is now. It was always His intention that one man and one woman should live together as long as they both lived (Matthew 19:5, 6).

What are we supposed to do now? Let us first answer this question from the perspective of the children. What should our attitude be toward our divorced parents? I am thankful to God that my parents love each other as much or more now than they did when they married more than 50 years ago, but that means I do not speak from experience in answering this question. However, as most of us do, I know many who have experienced the divorce of their parents. Some of them have handled it badly and others not so much. Ephesians 6:1 tells children to obey their parents in the Lord. That command is not qualified to exclude parents who have been divorced. Nor does it allow us to choose which we will obey when the commands conflict; we cannot sin in order to be obedient to a parent (Luke 14:26; Acts 5:29). As hurt as we may feel, our attitude towards our parents should be one of love, obedience and compassion if we are still living at home. Even if one or both parents is/are guilty of some terrible sin such as adultery, drunkenness, or violence, we are not allowed to hate or hold any malice in our hearts toward them (Matthew 7:12). I know that is a lot easier said than done, but we must remember that we are never allowed to lay aside our Christianity for any reason.

If we are adult children of divorced parents the principles are basically the same. The principle of obedience has changed somewhat now that you have your own household, but the love and respect your parents were once due is still due them. On the other hand, you are not required to take sides no matter how much pressure may be put on you from one or both parents to do so. You are only required to remain on the Lord's side.

What should our attitudes be toward our estranged spouse? If your spouse has divorced you for some reason other than adultery, there is no question that you are going to experience pain. If you are the innocent party in this situation remember Jesus' offer in Matthew 11:28: "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest..." You must remember your own responsibilities concerning marriage as described in Matthew 5:32: "...but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." Just as we noted above, we are not allowed the luxury of malice toward anyone, even such a spouse. If you are the guilty party in a divorce, the first thing you must do is repent of your sin and the pain you have caused your family; and by "repent" we mean true Godly sorrow as described in 2 Corinthians 7:10, 11, which means you must stop committing adultery. And, once you have changed your mind and your life from that kind of lifestyle you, too should take advantage of the comfort found only in Jesus.

What about our attitude toward our children? If you are considering divorce for any reason other than adultery, think of the pain you are going to inflict on your children (not to mention the example and lesson you are teaching them). If there is adultery involved, you still must consider those children, and then make a decision that takes into account their best interest, as well. And never forget that even in such a painful circumstance, you are teaching your children how to deal with pain. Even here you can teach them to rely on God's strength to get you through. Or, you teach them that when pain comes to this family we abandon God. I realize that this is an oversimplification of the choices involved, but even with the variety of specific options, they basically boil down to these two choices.

Well, what does all this mean to me? Can I still be a Christian? Society's view of divorce has changed much in my lifetime, but there is still a stigma associated with being divorced. However, if you are the innocent party in a divorce, there is nothing that makes you less a Christian. If you are the guilty party, you can still be a faithful Christian too, provided you repent of your sin.

Do I have to follow my parents' example? Statistics show that children of divorced parents are more likely to experience divorce in their own families, but that does not mean they have to. This is just a result (and proof) of the lessons taught in family crises. I know personally of successful and happy marriages in Christian homes that involve children of broken and dysfunctional families. I should also point out that there is some pain involved in dealing with this subject for the simple reason that some of the closest friends I have on this earth have been through this specific kind of pain, some from whom I have learned some of the principles outlined in this article and others with whom I have wept as we dealt with that pain. It is a very real problem and it is a very real pain that feels as though it will tear the hearts from our chests.

We have not dealt with every facet of the problem of divorce here, but we have tried to show that God is concerned with the pain caused by divorce. Often when a family suffers through pain this severe they take an "all-bets-are-off" kind of attitude with respect to God and Christianity. Well, God does not abandon us even when we abandon Him! When considering divorce, whether from a personal or doctrinal perspective, let us not forget the rest of what Scripture has to say on the subject. Let us not forget the commands to repent and to forgive; to love and to submit to; to use Christ's relationship with the church as our example. And even if the marriage simply cannot be salvaged, let us not lose our souls along with our marriage. God does not want that, because He loves you and I wanted to tell you that because I love you to!

Donnie Bates